Editors Note: Has anyone noticed just how devout the Trump base is? It’s as if he were a religious figure, and they were fanatical apostles, which seems odd, given he is about the least Christian person anyone is likely to meet. The truth is our president is not nearly as frightening as his followers are. And I’m afraid they will be practicing their new form of evangelicalism long after the president has sweated off a few pounds in the fiery place below.

Religion: There’s Always Room for Another One

About once a week I find myself discussing politics with some pretty scary conservatives. Nowadays this means Trump cultists, who run the gamut from his admirers, who believe he’s the best president since Lincoln, to adulators, who think he’s the greatest American since Washington, to idolaters, who consider The Donald the most perfect human being since Jesus.

A 2015 Pew Research Center poll revealed that, although the U.S. is still the most Christian nation on Earth, that share of the population fell nearly 8% in seven years, while the “unaffiliated” portion grew by nearly 7%. Traditional religion seems to be losing just a bit of its cachet, as Americans look into new options. And a country full of Scientologists, Mormons and Christian fundamentalists is gullible enough to believe almost anything.

Facebook is rife with evangelicals trumpeting Trump’s election as “divine intervention.” Televangelist con man Jim Bakker is hawking $45 Trump coins that promise a “point of contact with God,” and our president believes his own perfection precludes any need to ever apologize to anyone for anything. (If Jesus had told the Republican national convention, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” Trump would’ve been the first to pick up a rock.)

He also has the gift of prophecy. His seemingly dubious assertion that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue without losing any supporters has turned out to be the gospel truth, because Trump’s base is as fervent as Catholics. If a supermarket’s employees were raping children, and the managers were covering it up, most people would start shopping elsewhere, but Catholics keep attending mass no matter how many altar boys are molested by their priests. If Trump shot a few supporters at a rally, they’d beg his forgiveness, blame Hillary Clinton and chant, “Lock her up!” all the way to the emergency room.

With the president’s support, religious fanatic, alleged child molester and racist, and defrocked judge, Roy Moore received nearly half the votes in a 2017 Alabama Senate race. A new Trumpian faith seems to be uniting fundamentalists, conservatives and white supremacists. Several years ago, Judge Moore defied the courts (and the spirit of the Constitution) by displaying the Ten Commandments on public property. It’s now time to amend and update the Commandments for a new messianic cult of “Trumpianity.”

No. 1: Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Authors typically sign their own works, but this president autographed the Bible for Alabama tornado victims. Doubtless, it was the most time Trump ever spent with that book. Yet His flock failed to see the irony in Bibles being signed by the least Christian person in the room, and some called Him a “spiritual savior.” (Fix this commandment by changing “me” to “The Donald.”)

No. 2: Thou shalt make no graven image. Normally, this conjures up the “golden calf” of the Exodus story. The new Messiah is often photographed seated on His golden throne in His Trump Tower of Babel in New York City. Is there a similar throne in his bathroom, from which He tweets the Wisdom of Solomon to His faithful sheep each morning? (Delete this Commandment.)

No. 3: Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain. In my misspent Methodist and Baptist youth, none of my pastors could agree on exactly what this means. It’s the best sort of doctrine — as vague as the Trinity — a “mystery” no one really understands. (Redact “Lord” to “Donald” and encourage a wide range of interpretations.)

No. 4: Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy. This does not refer to churchgoing, in which the great man has never shown much interest, but rather to sinking putts on Sunday at His MiraLAX Golf Resort in Palm Beach. (Change “holy” to “hole-y” here.)

No. 5: Honor thy father and mother. Unlike the Virgin Mary, our new Lord’s mother is seldom mentioned, and The Donald has always grossly disrespected women. However, Fred Trump’s wealth enabled his son to behave as if being born on third base is the same as hitting a triple. Without His father’s millions, it’s unlikely anyone would ever have heard of Him, so He should be very grateful. (Remove the words “and mother.”)

No. 6: Thou shalt not kill. Members of the Religious Right love guns and the death penalty, and have never met a war they didn’t like. On the other hand, they’re rapturous about the lives of the unborn, although less so once the infant is delivered and becomes old enough to need medical care or to be put in a cage. (Replace “kill” with “abort.”)

No. 7: Thou shalt not commit adultery. A Messiah cheating on his wife with porn stars makes this awkward, but evangelicals would rejoice if they could substitute their favorite missing sin into the original Commandments. (Swap “adultery” for “homosexuality.”)  

No. 8: Thou shalt not steal. The new Savior is an NYC real estate developer and committed politician, so this simply won’t work at all. (Eliminate this Commandment.)

No. 9: Thou shalt not bear false witness. With more than 10,000 documented lies in just two years, this is the Dear Leader’s least favorite Commandment. He slandered Barack Obama (for being born Kenyan) and Ted Cruz’s father (for being involved in the JFK assassination), both without evidence. He also smears our neighbors — Mexican ancestry makes jurists unfit to be judges, and most are “rapists, criminals and drug dealers.” (Remove the word “not.”)

No. 10: Thou shalt not covet. Following this mandate would be the end of capitalism, which is based on coveting. Ayn Rand, who helped inspire the Reagan Era’s creed of “greed is good,” would turn over in her grave over such altruistic tripe. (Remove the word “not.”)

Over the past 50 years, the “Party of Lincoln” brand has become both a misnomer and a mockery, and Trump’s inauguration completed the GOP’s transformation. Meanwhile, enthusiastic support for a thrice-married serial adulterer, bigot and congenital liar has warped evangelicalism into Trumpianity. (Christians and conservatives alike can assuage their cognitive dissonance by adopting the redacted Eight Commandments redefined herein.

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