Editor’s Note: I warned people in print that Trump could be elected, but deep down, I always thought Americans were smarter than that. How wrong I was! Now, there is a very real possibility this creature could be a two-term president. We will need a new vocabulary to help us through such a depressing and distressing eventuality.

A Glossary for the Deplorecade

“Democracy is a device that ensures that we will be governed no better than we deserve.” 
— George Bernard Shaw

In my opinion, the greatest comic of all time is George Carlin, and his best quotation is a two-parter. The first half’s just an opinion (although, based on current events, hard to dispute), while the second part is logically incontrovertible: “The average person is a moron. And, by the definition of ‘average,’ half the country is even stupider than he is.”

I once naively thought we wouldn’t elect a game show host as president. Truth be told, I didn’t think the Republicans would even nominate him. Once he became the candidate, I was surprised that nearly half the electorate voted for him. Since then, those in the know have been saying he won’t be re-elected. Fool me three times, shame on me.

The depressing prospect of a two-term Trump administration — eight years that will seem like at least 10, hence, a “deplorecade” — will require a lexicon that makes it easier to describe our state of affairs (where’s George Carlin when you need him?):

Fifth-Avenue Republicans (FARs): In 2016, The Donald boasted, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Ave. and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose voters.” This has turned out to be true. The FAR right will defend literally anything he does. Their poster boy is the spineless D.C. swamp dweller Paul Ryan, who called Trump a “textbook racist” right before endorsing him, and barely even pretends to stand up to the Dear Leader.

Trumpencicans: The evangelical wing of FAR, which comprises much of the Trump base. They consider lies, racism, adultery, etc., acceptable, as long as the lying adulterer has an (R) after his name; hates Mexicans, the environment, reproductive choice and taxes on the wealthy; and thinks “blessed are the poor” was just Jesus’ way of showing off his quirky sense of humor. Their icon is the vice president, who makes a Trump impeachment superfluous.  

Fifties Fundies: The fundamentalist wing of FAR (i.e., the American Taliban), whose reverence for the past — the 1950s for its social conservatism and the 1850s for its attitude toward human rights — causes them to reject most scientific knowledge discovered during years with four digits. This includes evolutionary biology, the big bang, psychology, anthropology, paleontology and climate science.

Gops: Based on the acronym for “grab our p***ies,” these Republican women once reviled Bill Clinton for defiling Monica Lewinsky. Nowadays, they believe it’s plausible that, without his client knowing about it, and out of the goodness of his lawyer heart, the president’s attorney reached into his own pocket to pay porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 in hush money.

Decaf-Tea Partiers: Deficit hawks during the Obama administration who now believe our national debt doesn’t matter. With a Trump budget in place and huge tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires that will result in a trillion-dollar deficit, they’ll be happy to wait patiently (unless Democrats are in office) for the promised trickle down to start.

Confederites: Conservatives who believe the wrong side won the Civil War (the extremists have similar qualms about World War II). Considered “some good people” by our president, their concerns about civil rights mainly involve the loss of white privilege and the fear that too many minorities may be voting.

Fauxnewsmen: Viewers who watch state-run Fox News (aka GOP TV) exclusively, and see almost all other media as “fake.” This attitude extends to any history books that GOP hysterians consider fake — i.e., reflect badly on conservatism. For example, they applaud the revisionism of Sen. Joe McCarthy’s rehab and rebirth as a right-wing hero and patriot.

Cluster-Schmucks: Sycophantic members of the cabinet and GOP congress who are unashamed to behave like obsequious toadies by praising President Trump for being a combination of Lincoln and Jefferson. They bring to mind the North Korean Politburo in Pyongyang sitting on the dais of a Comedy Central Roast of Kim Jong Un.

Polluticrats: Republicans who believe anyone who likes clean air or water is a “tree hugging” Marxist. Their patron saint is EPA head Scott Pruitt, who thinks the “P” in EPA stands for “petroleum.” They’d vote to repeal all environmental regulations if that would move oil company stocks an eighth of a point higher or bring back coal mining.

Ex-patriots: Erstwhile pro-American conservatives, who now think Vladimir Putin is a champion of democracy, and the FBI, CIA, NSA and DOJ are all part of the “deep state” — an anti-U.S. cabal dedicated to electing liberals.

Conspiricans: Ex-patriots who adhere to a long list of conspiracy theories, espoused by people like Alex Jones, Sean Hannity, and the interchangeable blondes on “Fox and Friends.” They range from the Hillarites — who believe Mrs. Clinton is the secret despot of the deep state, whose emails still represent an existential threat — to the Obamaphobes, who somehow seem to think he still might be president. They also share a fear and loathing of less-public radicals, both dead and alive, from Friedrich Engels and Saul Alinsky to bogeyman-in-chief George Soros, who’d be the left’s version of the Koch Brothers, if they weren’t heartless oligarchs.

TINOs: Republicans, like Senator John McCain, who support Trump only 98% of the time. Occasional spasms of conscience among Trumpists in name only (TINOs) hinder progress toward MAWA (making America white again), which forms a major portion of MAGA’s goal.

IMHO, Mr. Carlin’s second-best quotation is,By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” In the upcoming deplorecade, this will be a trend worth watching.

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