Editorís Note: At this point in January 2014, New Jersey governor Chris Christieís chances to be president in 2016 look somewhat bleak, but you never know. I kind of like the guy, and there are just so many other Republicans that deserve misfortune more (Ted Cruz, Newt Gingrich ... the list goes on and on). But this article isnít really about Governor Christie anyway ... itís about me.
I Canít Get Elected Dog Catcher
Governor Christieís bridge scandal, the press has obsessed over its effect on
his presidential aspirations. The problem is it seems to confirm his image as an
obnoxious bully, which is a shame, because Christie seems like a Republican who
can work with Democrats to get things done ó he seems like someone I could vote for.
I often get letters attacking me for obnoxious opinions, I also get mail (some
of it, admittedly, in crayon) asking, ďWhy donít you
run for office?Ē But, thereís an old expression that applies here: ďHe
couldnít be elected dog catcher.Ē Evidently, in the hierarchy of elective
offices, dog catcher is the lowest rung, and I doubt I could reach it.
Voters claim to like ďmavericks,Ē but only if they share a candidateís outside-the-mainstream positions. ďMaverick officeholderĒ is a bit of an oxymoron, because the one thing mavericks share is their unelectability.
reason I canít be elected dog catcher is Iíve never had any children. If
this were because I couldnít have kids, I might pick up some pity votes, but
the truth is Iíve never really wanted them. I could appeal to
environmentalists by claiming childlessness reflects my concern about
overpopulation (which is a legitimate issue). But honestly, itís selfishness
ó including my lifelong desire to keep diapers, their contents and their odors
out of my home, and to avoid having anyone other than myself spitting up on me.
I enjoy other peopleís children, but thatís because, afterwards, I can go home, where the closest thing to a child is my dog, whom I like. (Iím not really a cat-person, so there goes that voting bloc too.)
Even worse, Iím not even an especially big fan of Jesus. A guy whose theology is you either accept my religion, or my dad will pursue you beyond the grave and torture you for eternity in Hell doesnít seem all that endearing. He sounds more like an abusive husband who threatens to beat his wife if she doesnít tell him how much she loves him.
line ó the only way a child-free (yeah, I just used that adjective) agnostic
who favors repeal of the Second Amendment and decriminalization of all
recreational drugs could get elected dog catcher would be if Chris Christie were
the competition, and he really did order those lane closings on the GW Bridge.
And even then Ö itís a long-shot.
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