Barlett's Alcohol-Related Quotations

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
than a frontal lobotomy. 
— Tom Waits

He was a wise man who invented beer.

— Plato


Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.

 — Proverbs 31:6-7


It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember whether it's the 13th or 14th.

— George Burns


The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk, they are sober.

— W.B. Yeats


I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

— Frank Sinatra


Twenty-four hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

— Stephen Wright


And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.

— A. E. Housman


Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

— Ambrose Bierce


If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

— Dean Martin


I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake ... which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields


You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but, at the very least, you need a beer. 

— Frank Zappa


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

— Ernest Hemingway


Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

— Winston Churchill


Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

— Catherine Zandonella


Sir, you're drunk!

— Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.

— Churchill's  reply


Work is the curse of the drinking class.

— Oscar Wilde


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

— Henny Youngman


Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

— Benjamin Franklin


If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

— "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy


Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

— Dave Barry


The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

— Humphrey Bogart


Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.

— David Moulton


People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.

— Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI


Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

— Dave Barry


I drink to make other people interesting.

— George Jean Nathan


They who drink beer will think beer.

— Washington Irving


You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

— Dean Martin


So little time, so many different kinds of beer.

— Unknown


I'm not so think as you drunk I am!

— John Squire


God invented beer so ugly people could get laid.

— Unknown

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