Editor’s Note: People on the Right (both the Christian conservatives and the QAnon types) seem like some of the most frightened folks in American society. The former group have a laundry list of scary activities and devilish people that they try to avoid in order to eventually avoid going to Hell. People in the latter group, such as congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, find increasingly bizarre things to be afraid of, and seem to be making up their lists from thin air as they go along.
“I will show you fear in a
handful of dust.”
— T.S. Eliot
It’s not surprising that fear is the dominant influencer for Republicans. Their base of evangelical fundamentalists (aka the Christian Taliban) has been traumatized by a long list of threats — sex, yoga, satanism, sex, Ouija boards, cross-dressing, witchcraft, Buddhism and sex — as well as most scientific advances made since the Middle Ages, including the Big Bang, evolution, psychology and a spherical Earth.
The Cabal isn’t concerned only with the past. After years of hysterical
GOP false alarms about how “they’re coming for your guns,” Americans
are now more heavily armed than ever, which means Marxists like “Mao”
Biden will be soon coming for all your weapons — from
AR-15s and bazookas to Super Soakers and slingshots.
afraid. You won’t be able to shoot deer, quails or your neighbor’s
gerbils. And you’re going to wish you were better armed to combat the “Jewish
space lasers” that GOP House member Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) has
so presciently warned you about. Sadly, the police won’t be able to protect you,
because, for us, “defunding” them means disarming them. Like all
liberals, we’re pro-crime, and hope to see police departments not just
reformed, but removed.
As the Religious Right has warned, we’re just as anti-God as we are pro-Satan. It’s not enough to have outlawed state-mandated school prayer, we Democrats want to ban even thinking about God in the classroom. Any church that wants to maintain its tax-exempt status better consider franchising a Planned Parenthood clinic next to its baptismal fount, and, although most liberals oppose hunting, your worst fears will be realized this Xmas, when we again declare war on Santa’s reindeer and open season on manger livestock.
as part of our infrastructure plan, we’ll be building a six-lane highway
from Tijuana to facilitate the entry of illegal aliens (we like to call them
“pre-Americans”) across the open borders that all liberals favor.
There was initially some debate over how to fund the new buses required;
however, we decided the taxpayers should foot the bill, so we can refund
to Mexico the millions they paid the Trump administration to build The
Cabal banquet ended on a high note. After souvenir bitcoins, with Che
Guevara’s face on one side and the hammer and sickle as
“tails,” were handed out, investor George Soros gave the benediction — a
reading from “Das Capital” — as most of the crowd reflexively
dropped to one knee.
so maybe most of the above could be fake news, but how many conservatives would
believe nearly every word of it if it were shouted in their faces by an
inarticulate game show host with a bad spray tan, a worse combover and a red
MAGA hat? The world’s a scary place, and the unreal stuff is making us
even more fearful than the real.
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